Yesterday I read an LA Times article called “Helping teens weather the blow of college rejection letters.” My son is a junior in high school, and already, I cannot wait till January 1. I shook my head and felt disheartened about the competitiveness of the college admission process. Kids have to be devastated by the rejection letters, and we adults have to spin it by saying it’s a part of adulting – to be rejected by your dream schools. It’s one thing to have a 3.2 GPA and be denied by Harvard or Stanford. It’s another to have a perfect 4.0 and near-perfect SAT and be told you are not good enough because the schools want a diverse student body. The adults slap the finest American children on their faces when we cruelly burst their bubbles of dreams.
But if you ask me if there is a better way? I’d say, no, I don’t have a better way. I can’t think of a process that will work for our big country. One idea is to limit the number of schools one can apply to so it will raise the acceptance rate. But it is hard to implement and the capitalist mindset affords the rich to apply to twenty schools and take up all the seats.
When we cannot control the system, we learn to control our thinking.
“We make sense of the world by the stories we tell ourselves. And gratitude is a choice to notice abundance rather than scarcity.”
Scott Cormode
Most kids are fed half-truths, if not outright lies, about colleges. The ranking of the schools is supposed to keep the colleges accountable, but it has spiraled out of control with erroneous data and manipulation. Granted, top-tier schools will always have their merit and standing; the yearly change in ranking will not change a child’s college experience once enrolled. The story the parents have to tell themselves and their children is that getting into colleges with less than a 10% acceptance rate is like winning a lottery. You don’t get bent out of shape when your raffle ticket is not picked. Why then fuss over the rejection letters? Parents need to hedge and manage their children’s expectations by embracing a safety school before and during the admission cycle. You can apply to the best schools but treat it as a lottery. If, by any luck, your name gets called, you can then say, “I like my safety. This other school has much to prove to me in their offering. Ranking and reputation alone won’t do. The location, the cost, and even the food and dorm have to be superior for me to give up my safety!”
This is the only way to ride out the junior year and part of senior year without undue stress. Not every minute of the day has to be about college applications. Our relationship with our children and family dynamics should always come before the prospect of college. I will not sour my relationship with my kids over unmet expectations. I will not damage their spirit by demanding perfect performance on every single test. I will not impart a skewed worldview that success is defined by their GPA, SAT score, extracurriculars, and what college they attend.
A child born to be a winner is a child raised to know who they are and what resources are available to them. They have the integrity and discipline to be a person of excellence, and with a foundation of solid faith in God, they are humbled to trust Him and not resort to control or manipulation. They love life, and they love people. They do not compare themselves to others and only seek to improve upon yesterday. These children are in a league of their own, and wherever they go, they will flourish.
Parents, raise your children this way, and they will weather any storms. They don’t need a manufactured failure through college admission to learn to cope with disappointment. A real disappointment is when we compromise and fall and do what is beneath our character for dishonest gain.
Parents, tell a different story to yourselves and your children. Don’t sink into the swamp of comparison games.