PROLOGUE
On the day I go to my heavenly home, I will have in my possession only a handful of heirlooms – my engagement ring, and the ring my father gave me from selling one of his paintings. I will ask to be wrapped in biodegradable linen that will go with my lifeless body into the depth of the earth as my spirit soars into eternity. If the Lord wills, I will have at least thirty years to get rid of all my things accumulated over the past four decades. I seek not to burden my children with shelves of books to carry. I seek not to overwhelm them with stuff that no one cares about and is shoved into the far end of the garage. By the time I go, my children will be at the prime of their lives. And at the prime of their lives, they will live to change the world. Going through and sorting my junk will seem like a waste of their time.
SANCTUARY
Whenever I feel flustered from words that hurt, whenever I feel I am losing the grip on sanity, I resist the temptation to wallow…in self-pity. I try not to allow myself to feel overwhelmed. Instead, I calmly look through my piles of stuff (albeit neatly piled stuff) and choose which items I will keep. Carefully examining each piece and deeming its usefulness to me, I decide its fate. Most end up in the donation bin, and many end up in the trash. This is how I regain a sense of peace, order, and control. It has been my sanctuary from a harried life.
This journey started early this year.
MY MOTHER AND HER HIP SURGERY
Around Thanksgiving last year, my mother fell, tripped, and broke her hip. She was hospitalized and had surgery to stabilize her fractured pelvic bone. The hospital staff then transferred her to a rehabilitation center. Within a day, I booked a flight to visit her in Houston before full-time home care could be arranged. While I was there, I noticed her TV was on almost all the time.
One morning, I had enough of the humdrum from the Chinese news programs. I changed the channel to TLC, and an old episode of “Clean House” was on. It featured a homeschool family of three children, and the show immediately caught my attention.
This homeschool family lived in a disastrous, hazardous condition. The hidden family drama was uncovered; marital strife and deep hurt surfaced in front of tens and thousands of viewers. Counseling accompanied the massive efforts to completely revamp this derelict home – a home where education was supposed to happen.
After a week, I went back to New York. Was it a coincidence? Netflix flashed a trailer about a thin, pale Japanese woman on my screen. Marie Kondo was riding on the popularity of her international bestseller, and Netflix created a series called “Tidying Up.” I watched almost all the episodes and then I bought her book. I devoured it in a few nights.
This young Millennial mom from the Far East has earned my utmost respect. Marie Kondo completely changed the way I view my stuff.
MY PAST
I grew up in a messy apartment. I did not know we were messy until I went to visit my friends in their homes. Till today, I still have vivid mental images of those immaculate space. “Where do they keep all of their stuff?” I wondered. I was raised in Taipei, Taiwan, and everyone I knew lived in apartment buildings. Except for the incredibly wealthy, an average citizen had around 1,000 square feet of space to work with.
I am naturally neat. I had my own room in our small 3-bedroom apartment, and I kept it tidy and organized while the rest of the home was in constant disarray. Newspapers and magazines littered on top and underneath the coffee table. Clothes were always in piles. Many drawers could hardly close. We rarely had visitors. There was never a good reason to clean up.
Fast forward twenty years, I finally found someone to marry. My husband and I bought our first home in the suburbs outside of New York City. Keeping it neat was a priority for me. After all, we frequently hosted parties and gatherings. Our guests would often comment on its cleanliness. Keeping my home clean and neat was the result of sheer determination and brute force. I could be seen hyperventilating, huffing and puffing, on my knees wiping the floor, minutes before my first guest knocked on the door. They would walk in and look amazed. But they didn’t realize one thing. I never invited them to have a grand tour of the entire house. I never invited anyone to see our master bedroom! There is a reason – it’s off-limit because all of our STUFF is in there!
THE BIG EMBARRASSMENT
Once the guests arrive at a party, it is hard to control where they wander into, especially if you live with young children. Many years ago, a good friend of ours offered to play Hide and Seek with my kids, and he found a hiding spot underneath my son’s long school table. He’s a big burly guy, and somehow, he was able to squeeze in. After a while, a child excitedly spotted him. When he came out, he was completely covered with dust.
“I thought your house is clean…but why is it so dirty down here!!” he exclaimed while brushing down his sleeves with the back of his hands in subtle annoyance.
Needless to say, I was very embarrassed. Sometimes public humiliation is what we need in order to change.
LOVE & MARRIAGE
When we are single and live alone, we are responsible for our own mess. Once we marry and live with another person, we blame our spouse for the mess.
Though I am naturally neat, my husband is not. I first met him at work in an investment bank. I had a desk on the sixth floor, and he had his desk on the 7th floor. One day, I went upstairs to look for him for some work-related issues, and I could not find his desk. It was buried under stacks of three-ring binders and a massive amount of paper. A sense of dread came over me. Did I just agree to have coffee with him?
How do I keep my handsome slob under control? Our secret to being happily married is this…actually, there are two. One, there is only one area that is entirely his (and the rest of the house is mine) – the nightstand by his side of the bed. Two, he rarely shops.
OUR STUFF
A popular roller-skating rink was permanently closed in Lynbrook early this year. It was a devastating blow to the community. Many grown-ups remember spending their Friday nights in the rink throughout their high school years. The company that bought the rink plans to tear it down and replace it with…CubeSmart, a national self-storage company.
Self-storage is a growing industry in America. People pay rent on top of their mortgage to store their stuff. Instead of making room for more living space, people spend money to keep their stuff around – stuff they will probably never use or even see.
No one says it better than the late George Carlin in one of his stand-up comedy gigs. (I painstakingly re-edited it to make it G-rate. It’s safe to watch it with kids.)
THE SCIENCE OF CLUTTER
“There is just too much stuff in our lives and our world and it is making us exhausted, sick, unhappy, and crazy.” Jim Taylor, PhD
“Getting rid of the clutter in your home, with or without the help of professionals, seems to be a key factor to our feelings of happiness. This process may be painful at the time, but it should help you overcome this important obstacle to your well-being.” Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts – Amherst
Here are four things clutter does very well:
1) Home Not So Sweet Home
Home should be a retreat from the outside world and a place of pride. Having too many of our things in too small a place will lead us to feel that our home environment is our enemy, not our friend. Why would we spend most of our time outside of the house that has cost us every penny and even plunges us into heavy debts?
2) Binge Eating
An Australian-U.S. study showed that people will actually eat more junk food if the environment in which they are in is chaotic. In the experiment, when the room is disorganized and messy, the participants showed less self-control. In other words, we will end up reaching for more sweets in a cluttered home because the motivation to keep order and control is being compromised.
3) Mental Meltdown
The most obvious psychological effect of clutter is the stress that it creates.
An article in The New York Times cites research conducted by UCLA. This study observed thirty-two middle-class Los Angeles families and discovered the following,
All of the mothers’ stress hormones spiked during the time they spent dealing with _______.
- their husbands
- their children
- their stuff
- their chores
Answer: 3. their stuff
When our little one runs around in the middle of a grassy field, we clap our hands and cheer. We take photos and post them on social media. When the same child runs around in the middle of our living room, we slapped our hands and yell. Why? Because we fear our kid is going to mess up our stuff, like scraping the new wood floor, knocking down a prized antique, or breaking our latest 4K TV. We say we fear for the safety of the child. In reality, we fear the destruction of our very pricy collections!
It is scientifically proven that being stressed on a daily basis changes the physical structure of your brain to be even MORE sensitive to stress. It is a no brainer why we need to declutter.
4) Strained Relationships
It is harder to read people’s feelings when our surroundings are filled with random things. There was a study done in Cornell about the impact of clutter on perceptions of scenes in films.
The study showed when the background of a scene is too busy, viewers find it more difficult to interpret the emotional expressions on the faces of the actors. That is why we would often find these emotional scenes to be very “clean.” If there are clutters, the camera lens will blur the background so the viewers’ attention will be fully drawn to the faces of the characters.
If this finding holds true in real life, it means that we will be less accurate and less sensitive in reading what our family members are feeling in a clutter-filled room.
EPILOGUE
Ever since my visit to my mother early this year, I have thrown away and donated at least forty large bags of stuff. The process is still ongoing every day as I often retreat to the sanctuary of decluttering. It’s in going through this exercise I discovered a whole new level of living. It is no longer just about keeping our living space tidy and clean. It is about living life without material entanglements.
Oddly, I find that the fewer things I own, the more I get done in a day.
As our space is tidied up, the noise from the clutter is silenced, our minds become sharper, and we gain the confidence to tackle life’s many challenges.
Jesus said it so well, “Whoever can be trusted with small things can also be trusted with big things.” The small things start with a drawer, a shelf, and a room. And behind every great man is a greater woman…that picks up after him.